So you might have noticed that I haven’t posted anything substantial about myself here in quite some time, eh? Well… what can I say? I haven’t had much worth saying, and what is worth saying I’ve kept to myself. I have been in some weird funk lately. I don’t know how to explain it. Something’s off with me. Something besides my sleep schedule… but that’s as good a place to start as any.

I have this odd anxiety thing going on. When I lay down, I get this horribly anxious feeling like I should still be up doing something or working on something. I wish I could pin it on any one thing, but I can’t. My finances are crap right now (and before anyone begins thinking how much worse their problems are, I would remind you that you more than likely make more money than I do. After taxes, rent and bills, I make -$11… yes… that’s negative 11 dollars), and while that will hopefully change next semester when I start a new job (or two), right now I’m fairly anxious about finances. (Before you take me on as a charity case, I have a fair amount of money saved up right now, designated as wedding money… which brings me to my next topic:) On top of that, Deedee and I are finally getting to the planning stage of our wedding. That’s enough to send anyone’s blood pressure through the roof and I haven’t handled it too well, either, which I’m sure has put stress between Deedee and I, and has, in turn, raised my anxiety level even that much more. Add to this that I’m stressing trying to figure out the sanity and psyche of a friend who doesn’t even know I’m aware of the situtation they’ve put themself in, which puts me even more on edge, making sure I don’t say the wrong things in front of the wrong people.

Now, let’s light a sinking ship on fire, shall we? My parents gave me $300 for Christmas with the stipulation that it cannot be spent on bills. Now, I have a hard time deciding what to spend $20 on (DVD, of course… but which one?). So I have spent several nights looking at websites and several hours in best buy trying to figure out what color anvil to tie to the mast of the HMS Chad-tanic.

Now, one way I deal with extreme stress is to go buy something… but this does not help when what you’re stressed out about in the first place is spending money. So I end up coming up with all these creative ways I could buy expensive toys, like a Bose lifestyle home theater system or that new InFocus projector I want… pipe dreams, of course, which I talk about, but everyone knows I shouldn’t go get right now… what can I say… I guess I’m all talk.

Next semester is a source of high anxiety, as well. First, I would like to do more stuff next semester. I want to get back into my karate routine… maybe teach a self defense class one night a week. Test for my blackbelt. Start swimming. I thought about spending an hour or two each week learning to play a new song on either my guitar or a piano. Then I think, well, where can I find the time… maybe in the evenings? well, sure… unless my new job doesn’t pan out, in which case, I’ll be working a second job in the evenings. Fun.

Oh yeah… MIT… So I applied to MIT. Wouldn’t it be great if I got in and got a free ride to MIT for my Ph.D.? Well…. hmmm… would it? Going to Boston will turn my life upside down much in the same way going to Colorado did, except worse. Going to Boston doesn’t just mean I leave all my friends and family behind and run a 1000 miles away… No, it means I leave my friends and family behind and drag my fiancee away from her friends, her family, and her dream of going straight into grad school… a dream that I encouraged. I told her she should apply for grad school and go if she got the chance. I told her she could make it, and she could, except that right after I fostered all this hope, I took this fragile dream I helped create and set it gently on that patch of concrete in front of butler hall and shattered it, violently, with a big stick labeled MIT. What are my dreams worth, anyway? What makes me think that I’m so special that I should follow my dreams at the expense of others’? What is MIT, anyway, besides $260,000 in tuition and rent? Is that how much a dream is worth these days?

In so many ways I would not be upset if I was rejected from MIT. Deedee could go to grad school… I’d be here with friends and only a few hours away from family and more friends… In two/three years, our siblings would be arriving at state, and that would be nice… Here, at state, I’m a big fish… It took me four years to get that way, but now, I’m known… I have three professors that want me to work for them as a PhD student. I was accepted to the PhD program at state last month before I even applied. That’s saying something… oh yeah, I’m officially a PhD student in aerospace engineering at State now… long story, but it boils down that in order to take a research job next semester (making about twice as much as I am now), I had to be in engineering… so I am. I’m on comfortable speaking terms with the head of the department, who, ironically, has 4 degrees from MIT. I’ve spent 5 years on this campus and I’m comfortable… I love State… and that makes me ask, what am I giving all of that up for? 3 words, or letters, actually… MIT. that’s it. I don’t know anyone up there or anything about the campus. I’m not even sure what kind of research I’ll be doing or who I’ll be working with, much less where I’ll live. But going back to the department head… wanna know why he’s department head? that’s right… because he’s from MIT. Johnson Space Center hires from MIT every year… they don’t hire from State because, as one recruiter told me, “We hire from prestigious and highly ranked schools… and State is neither prestigious nor highly ranked.” And maybe I shouldn’t even get started on what I’m gonna do after school… I’m likely to have a panic attack right now.

It’s 4:30 and I need to go stare at the ceiling so I can eventually get some sleep… ‘night.

p.s. I normally don’t post mood or music or anything, but this is a very good song I’m listening to, and I highly suggest you download it and listen to it. It’s called Prayer of the Children, by Kurt Bestor.