(now that the blog is back up I can post what has been waiting for some time. I’ll start by giving you an entry that most of you will misinterpret, and none of you will fully understand… )

What do you do when, for a moment, you see directly into someone’s soul, but you weren’t invited? someone you’ve known for a long time and thought you had figured out, and then… without permission, you gaze deeply into their very being… you see them exposed for what they are, and it’s not what you had pictured… a stoic father who becomes a small child weeping, huddled under a tree in a downpour… instinct would dictate rushing to the child and protecting her from the rain and wind… but you can’t, for surely you would find the stoic father looking back at you, chastizing you…

in a single glance, you see that the most exciting parts of their life are hidden far beyond what you would think, and you know you can never ask about them because they aren’t meant for you to find… and you begin to wish you hadn’t thought about all the things you’ll never share…

what if you hold your gaze and stare deeper, because, despite your doubts, you want to know more about this person you know but have never seen… This person who is weaved into the fiber of your existance… this person who unknowingly defines you and refines you… uninvited, you stare… without permission, you peer deeper until you discover their soul…

and what if, in seeing their soul, you’re entire existance is reduced to meaningless nothingness… salt in the ocean… nothing more than background noise on a public access channel that no one listens to… crushed unimaginably small and discarded… a line item in the budget of their life… and you long to cry out to them, “but why?” but you can’t because you were never meant to see exactly how much you never meant.

Forgive me, for I have sinned… I have looked into your life, your being, your very soul… uninvited, I gazed and I have paid the price. I can never forget what I have seen, nor can I cry out to you and try to help, nor am I sure if I would help, having seen myself through your eyes.

The past will forever lie entombed in the past, unyeilding and unchanging against the sands of time. but where do I go from here? If only I could tell you… If only you knew…