ok… some filler until I get my new domain… The first thing on the list has to be the best 
The last one is particularly thought provoking…
NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN By Dave Barry (Humorist)
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Computer Viruses
CLINTON VIRUS – Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS – Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS – Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS – Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS – Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS – Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands > >to > > > 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS – Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS – Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) – Your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS – Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS – Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS – Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS – Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS – makes it presence known, but doesn’t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS – Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J.SIMPSON VIRUS – you know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS – Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long to be much of a threat.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS – Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS – Warns you of impending hard disk attack. Once, if by LAN, twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS – Never identifies itself as a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.
TEXAS VIRUS – Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS – You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS – You computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own mother board.
STAR TREK VIRUS – Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Even if there is only one possible unified theory, it is just a set of rules and equations. What is it that breathes fire into the equations and makes a universe for them to describe? The usual approach of science of constructing a mathematical model cannot answer the questions of why there should be a universe for the model to describe. Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing?
- Stephen W. Hawking
There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a “hottest part” implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
- Richard Davisson
-You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
-Don’t sweat petty things… or pet sweaty things.
-A fool and his money are soon partying.
-Money can’t buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
-Attempt to get a new car for your spouse — it’ll be a great trade!
-Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
-Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
-Half the people you know are below average.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Most just don’t have film.
-Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
-I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
-Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
-Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
-Black holes are where God divided by zero.
-All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
-Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
-Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
-Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
-An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
-There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
-People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
-I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
-I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
-One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
-It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
-Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
-Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
-Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is?
It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress – the same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.